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Ray Flowers

Around the Horn

October 14, 2009 10:38am CDT

Sometimes you just feel frisky.

It might be a on Friday night after a couple of shots of J.D., or it might be after receiving a particularly pleasing review from your boss at work. I've neither been boozing (I'll save that for later - who drinks before 11:00 AM, anyway?) or heard that I've done a good job today from my boss, but that doesn't mean that I don't feel like mixing things up a bit. So with that thought, take everything that you are about to read with a grain of salt - especially all quotes, because they are completely fabricated.

Satire = a literary composition, in verse or prose, in which human folly and vice are held up to scorn, derision, or ridicule.. That's just in case you missed the first mention of me taking some creative license today.


MacDougal in wheelchair

Mike MacDougal had arthroscopic surgery on his hip on Tuesday - his right one - in Vail, Colorado. Recovery time is estimated at 6-8 weeks, but don't look for MacDougal to take that long to get going despite the fact that he will have to spend time in the infirmary. "You think I came to Vail because my doctor was highly recommended?" MacDougal said. "I came for two reasons. One, there are more ski bunnies here per capita than anywhere in the world. At least that's what Wikipedia said and it's never wrong. Second, I want to see how fast I can get this wheelchair going on a black diamond run. I'm thinking maybe 30 - it's not very aerodynamic."

On a more serious note, MacD should be fully recovered by the time that baseball rolls around next season. It's unclear if he will return to the Nationals, who have the option of offering him arbitration. However, after saving 20-of-21 chances with the club, you'd have to think that they would be interested in bringing him back, don't you? On the downside, and there is a considerable downside despite his tremendous run of racking up saves this season, MacD posted a 1.52 WHIP and an abysmal 1.00 BB/K mark for the Nats. In addition, you have to be a bit nervous about a guy who throws his average fastball at 95.7 mph but only strikes out 5.63 batters per nine innings, don't you? It will be an interesting offseason for the lanky flamethrower.


Yadier Molina too big for britches?

"I only sign my name for three things. One, my contract with the Cardinals. Two, when I give a hottie my phone number. Three, when I pay my taxes," Cardinals' catcher Yadier Molina said in response to an allegation that he failed to offer the services that Steiner Sports Marketing paid him for. According to the lawsuit, Molina was paid slightly more than $90,000 to attend several events to sign autographs for fans. Steiner is suing Molina for the $90K plus an additional $85,000 due to the breach of contract, as he never showed up to sign anything,. "Hey man, I need to feed my family," Molina continued. "Do you know how many deep dish pizza's I could buy for that much dough." I doubt the double-entendre was intended.

Yadier Molina is being sued by a sports memorabilia company.
When not stiffing kids who worship him for autographs, Molina was busy putting together one heck of a season for the Cardinals, as he led all NL catchers who qualified for the batting title with a .293 average. Dating back to the start of the 2008 season, amongst catchers who have accrued at least 500 plate appearances, Molina leads all backstops not named Joe Mauer with a .298 batting average, so he certainly brings it in the average category. Molina has also knocked in 56 and 54 runners the past two seasons, and only two other NL backstops can make that claim in Brian McCann and brother Bengie Molina. He isn't a sexy name, and he may feign amnesia if you approach him with a Sharpie, but the man can certainly produce base hits when the lumber is in his hands.


Jose Reyes following 70's classic

"Gentlemen, we can rebuild him," Mets GM Omar Minaya said. "We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world's first bionic man. Jose Reyes will be that man. We can make him better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster." Minaya may have been stealing a couple of lines from the Steve Austin classic Six Million Dollar Man, but few in the crowd seemed to disagree with the assessment of the situation. "After years of dealing with leg issues, Jose thought he had rectified the problem. However, after all his injuries this season, he has decided that now is the time for him to replace both of his legs with computerized robotics. Don't worry. Commissioner Bud Selig said that this procedure is fine, though he wouldn't let us enhance one of Reyes' eyes like the Steve Austin character, as he thought a bionic eye might skew the competitive balance." Reyes, who had stolen at least 56 bases in four straight years from 2005-08, led the majors with 258 steals in those years (39 more than Juan Pierre). Given that, just think how many bases he could steal if they outfit him with a supercharger for a little off the line oomph (he decided to pass on the turbo charger because those take a while to spool up, whereas superchargers offer more low-end grunt).

While I have been unable to confirm that Reyes will receive bionic wheels (my contact at the CIA has yet to get back to me), he has been scheduled for surgery to repair a torn hamstring. At least that's what they are calling it in the press release (wink, wink).


Ryan Howard's favorite movie = The Grinch Who Stole X-Mas

"I don't owe no one nothing," Ryan Howard said. "I hit that ball and it's special to me because of it's historical import. So what if I had to lie to a little girl to get the ball back, I don't see what right she has to sue me for it. I mean, doesn't she know who I am - I'm Ryan Flipping Howard."

Howard socked his 200th home run against the Marlins in mid-July in his 658th game, 48 games faster than any man who has ever played the game. Of course he wanted the ball. It would make a nice memento for his burgeoning legend, and apparently the Phillies sent a representative out to the bleachers to talk to the 12-year-old gal who ended up with the ball. In exchange for the ball the little girl was told that she would be allowed to meet Howard after the game and get something else autographed. When she returned after the game, Mr. Howard was already well on his way to South Beach to get his freak on at a local club. "Hey, you snooze, you loose," said Howard.

The little girl's family wasn't ready to see Mr. Sandman visit, so they ended up suing the Phillies and Howard, at which point Howard returned the home run ball. "Hey man, ain't no thang. I'll hit at least 500 big flies in my career, so I'll have a few more balls to place on the mantle at home. I don't want to sell myself short. Two hundred homers? Shoot, that was easy, anyway."

Despite his personal attitude toward kids, Mr. Howard is one hell of a hitter. Sure, he has struck out at least 181 times in four straight season, but that's a big league record, so he can be proud of having his name in the record books. "Think I could get more money from the Phillies on my next contract if I mention that I hold an all-time record?" When asked this question, I informed Howard that it might be wiser for him to mention that he has gone deep at least 45 times with 136 or more RBI in each of the past four years. Only one other man in the history of baseball can make that claim and that is Sammy Sosa, who pulled off the trick from 1998-2001. Of course, Sosa was hopped up on fizzy lifting juice or something a little stronger, so perhaps Howard has that record all to himself after all.

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